I won’t call it a mid-life crisis because I certainly intend to live past the age of sixty, so mid mid-life crises it is and I freaking need to snap out of it. I didn’t think approaching 30 would really freak me out, and it may not even be it, it just may be some good old-fashioned depression, but it sucks!
You see, I’ve been stewing on the fact lately that I feel like I have no purpose beyond being a mom. Now don’t get me wrong, being a mom and good wife have always been my number one priority and will remain that way, but I feel like there is a big chunk of “me” missing. I’m a mom of all trades these days, but master of none.
I’m good writer, but not a great one.
I’m a good cook, but not a great one.
I’m a good singer, but not a great one.
I like to draw, but I’m not an artist.
I can sew, but it might get scary.
Pretty much, there are many things I like to do and am relatively good at, but nothing I’m particularly really good at. There is nothing there that I could easily transform into a career if need be. There are many days that sit on the verge of tears wishing I could turn one of my half @$$ talents into extra income for our family.
What has all of this self-pity and utter lack of self-confidence left with at the moment? A house that looks like it could seriously benefit from some merry maids, battles to finish schoolwork because mama has just as little interest as the kiddo’s (no fun, I know,) basically me left feeling even worse because I feel like I’m letting my family down as much as I’m letting myself down.
For a brief moment, I thought about making an appointment and getting on depression meds again (post-partum after number 3) but then I remember how angry the pills made me after a while. I thought that redoing the blog would help give me a boost, and while I like it much better this way, I still have no urge to post. So what’s a mama to do?
My plan, come back from Disney this weekend refreshed and start to take on this mid mid-life crises one day at a time before my 30th birthday actually arrives. I am determined to find SOMETHING to do that gives me a sense of accomplishment and worthwhile by then. Something that is “me” and gets me back to the happy mommy and wife I want to be.