The Day United States Science Teachers Became Terrorist Leaders

Breaking News: Parents I urge you to revoke permission for child to participate in any science lesson, activity or experiment at school! We have recently learned that bubbles are deemed dangerous enough to evoke the words “terrorist threat” and we all know that bubbles are key part in an early science education. We must then assume that the teachers providing this education are now believed to be terrorist leaders, working to train our children to plan a mass assault of bubbles that no one will see coming!

Boy with Bubble Gun

Sound ridiculous, it should. So is the latest suspension of a 5-year-old girl, who was named a “terrorist threat” after telling a classmate she was going to shoot her with her pink Hello Kitty bubble gun. The kindergartner was thrust into a psychological evaluation (which she passed) and now has a permanent school record.

It is a fair assumption that my jaw dropped when I first read about this over the weekend. Considering my kids participate in healthy imaginative play every day, I'm pretty sure if they went to a public school, instead of being homeschooled, they would lock them in padded in rooms. I mean, come on, this was just a pink bubble gun. My kids can play a half-day Jedi battle with some pirates and princesses mixed in. Surely, that must put them in ranks with Bin Laden, right?

Okay, well maybe they are not that devious, but they can plan a good surprise attack full of violence. I mean, they have learned from the best, I started reading Winnie the Pooh to them when they were infants and Tigger is the master of surprise beat down.

Extreme Tigger

I think it might be time for me to start some prepper plans for surviving when my kids decide to form a militia and take over Disney. Until then, you’ve been warned.

Lock up the liquid soap, burn Winnie the Pooh and make sure you kids never participate in pretend play. You are supposed to be raising mindless government drones, not terrorist!