I don’t like airing personal business online, even on my blog. While I will share anecdotes about family here and there, I never really delve into the heart of things. Today, a day that I sit with tears in my eyes, a day that I am feeling truly hurt, I make an exception.
I use the term loosely. I’m not sure that I have a had a real friend in over five years. Some give a polite invite to children’s birthday parties; some have never included us at all. Some call just to say hello now and again, most call only when they need something.
Of all of them, none where there for me during some of my most trying times. They never saw the fear in my eyes I waited on the results for the lump that was removed from my armpit. They were not holding my hand as I sat on knees crying for hours when after my father had a heart attack.
I realize we have all mostly grown apart, and that is okay. What is not okay is expecting to keep on the sidelines as crutch to lean on once and while; as one you expect to always be on your side, when you are rarely on mine.
I Will Not Take Sides or Judge
If you truly considered me a friend, I would not be expected to pick sides, to pass judgments, to pretend that I actually have a place in your day to day life and therefore the merit to do what you expect of me.
As someone who doesn’t let people in easily and has a hard time making new friends, it hurts to know that I just need to walk away from old friends and carve out a new path. Friends that were special enough to me to include in on my wedding day. Friends that have known the depths of my heart in the past.
I will get my cry out and go forward, knowing that true friends wouldn’t make me feel this way and though they will always hold a place in my heart, there is no longer a place in my place for them.