I Put on My Big Girl Panties...but It's Not Enough

Hey, there odd moms and dads! 

I like to send out a weekly update to the "That Odd Mom" writers, but this week I wanted to share the state of things with you all. I'm not a fan of being really vulnerable and letting the world too far into my personal life, but because life's curveballs are affecting this blog, I think it's time to break down those walls a little bit.

That Odd Mom is really important to me. Having started out in the blogging world pre-Wordpress, I've been through my fair share of mommy cliques. I wanted a to create a safe space for moms to share about everyday life (and all of the random shit) without judgment, and thanks to a push from Medium, the community has started to grow over the past year. But there was a problem with Medium. It is isn't "ad" friendly and I am a firm believer that when writers take the time to craft great stories for you, they should be compensated for their work. By March of this year, That Odd Mom had gone from being profitable last year to diving deeper and deeper into the red. I made the decision to shift the publication off of Medium and back onto a self-hosted site with a launch date of June 10th.

There have been plenty of hiccups along the way. Such as trying to find a good system for communicating with the writers, that doesn't have a monthly fee. Right now though, I just do not have it in me to give even 50%, when I want to constantly give 200. You see, on June 2nd, my husband was on his last day of week long work trip that was ending in him interviewing for a promotion. Just as he was smack in the middle of that interview, our son had a seizure. 

I was doing my best to conceal from the kids that I was panicking, my son was rightfully freaked out and through it all, I couldn't even call my husband. 

Since that day we've been to the family doctor, the neurologist and had an EKG done. We are still waiting on appointments for an EEG and an MRI. It has been 27 days and I still have no clue what is going on. I do know that he has gotten dizzy every day, he's getting frequent headaches, I know that resisting the urge to WebMD the shit out of this has bee HARD. 

It's been made even harder by the fact that we have (possibly new) neighbors about 10 acres over that has been having a party for over a month straight. I'm not kidding. They have been keeping my son up at night (his room is closest to that side of the property) with the booming bass. I've called the cops twice...and they just keep going. Top that off with the fact the hubs got the job (I'm so freaking proud of him) but that means he has had to travel non-stop this month and will keep it up for a while, while he settles in.

Life really knows how to pile it all on at once, the good and the bad, stretching you to points you didn't know you could go to. Did I mention that we start homeschool testing on 10th in between doctor appoinments? Sigh...

With his routine thrown out of whack right now, combined with the unknown with his health, Matt's meltdowns have increased as well, in amount and severity. It is draining. For those that don't have a child on the spectrum, it can be difficult to understand the emotonial and mental strength it takes to help your child regulate their emotions without losing your shit in the process.

Worrying about your child is hard. I've tried to use this site as a distraction, but I just can't right now. I stare at the screen and my mind wanders. I can't stay focused long enough to reply to two emails, let alone get the behind the scenes here operating smoothly. I know what I want to do here, I know what I want to see That Odd Mom become, but I just can't right now.

Instead I'm going to leave for three nights today, escaping on a camping trip in the mountains. For three nights I'm going to try and pretend that things are normal right now. When I get back, I'll be busy scheduling another needed appointment around our already hectic schedule, attempting to administer test in between meltdowns and soaking in as many hot baths as it takes to make me feel like the world isn't closing in on me. 

I'll be popping in some, and attempting to hit publish on a few stories for you, but until at least mid August (yep that's how much longer I have to wait for real answers) I need to set this little dream of mine to the side.