Early Morning Musings from a Perpetual Mombie
This is Your Brain on an Asshole Cat!
I’m already the unlucky recipient of an internal clock that insists 4 a.m. is the perfect time to wake up. We recently moved into our new home though, and now our giant ball of fluff and fat rolls, asshole of a Maine Coon cat, has decided it is his job to demand my attention, promptly at 2:50 in the freaking morning!
There is no rolling over and going back to sleep. He will stalk the hallway, pausing to sound is “Wake the fuck up,” kitty alarm, while clawing at the carpet or strategically tapping his paw under my bedroom door. Mom adrenaline kicks in, and you know your day will be utter shit if any one of the three kids gets woke up this early, (the thought of all three induces a wave of fear) so I get up and turn the coffee pot on.
It’s a caramel blend this morning. As it brews, and I attempt to transition into a functional state, the asshole insists I watch him eat. The barrage of meows this morning wasn’t because he needed food, no, that would be too easy. Just watch his fat ass eat for a minute and then he’s good. Well, until he realizes I’ve gotten comfy with my coffee, and then it’s game on again.
Why wouldn’t he start prancing around like he’s a kitten again, attacking the sled the kids left upstairs for the pure joy of it. Clearly, he enjoys having me sit on the edge of my seat, all eyes on him, waiting to see what he’s going to destroy next.
Waking up and dealing with a cat this early in the morning, a cat that thinks he is The Greatest Showman requires coffee. I’ve sucked down enough of the caffeinated delight well before sunrise now to know that caramel coffee tastes better at three in the morning. Well, it probably doesn’t, but I damn sure appreciate it more. The coffee is my daily morning life force and the rich caramel flavor that lingers on the back of the tongue is just a bonus.
...and he’s jumped on the bookshelf,
almost knocked over a giant stack of schoolbooks,
and succeed in knocking down one of my girls' paintings. Asshole!
I may enjoy it 7 a.m., but it just isn’t the same.
You can’t survive 3 am wake up calls without coffee and still function enough to adult all day while attempting to keep three little humans alive. This can be made slightly better by chugging caramel coffee, because it will always taste better when you are transitioning from plotting how you can annoy the shit out of the cat later, to half-ass smiling and making your kids breakfast.
The caramel coffee will not change the cat. The cat is still an asshole lurking behind a corner, waiting to destroy some more shit when you least expect it!